Let's Talk UNLV

Unknown Speaker 0:00
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Unknown Speaker 0:20
Hi, y'all, we are here today with Wednesday night, and my lovely, wonderful co host, Amy Shavon. And Dr. Tanya crap here. And today, we thought that we do visit the topic that we as a group visited last time, which is what are we doing to take better care of ourselves? Now? I remember when we last spoke, we talked about all these things that we'd experienced and the ways that we want to be better at self care and taking care of ourselves. So what are you doing this year? This call this your resolution? Check in? All right, how about resolutions going?

Unknown Speaker 0:52
How's it going? Well,

Unknown Speaker 0:53
okay, so mine's mostly been getting and maintaining a work life balance, like in general. So that's helped a lot that basically just looked like learning more and more about internal and external boundaries. So I can, I can section off, okay, here's my work time and my work life with my personal time and my personal life and being able to say, Hey, I also understand that, you know, both avenues of my life are important. So how about if I have a heart out, then I have a heart out and it's like, nothing personal. And I don't have to feel like guilty or shameful about like, putting myself like putting myself first in the sense. So there's that. That's mostly been it. It's kind of just like a lived experience. Mostly that and like, being careful how much caffeine I take, that helps a lot too. Is your phone. Okay?

Unknown Speaker 1:50
Listen, I'm over here, troubleshooting. I call myself trying to record and with some technical difficulties. I'm so sorry. No, no, no, like balance. Um, did you see me struggling? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 2:02
no, I wasn't gonna say anything. I was just kind of like, Oh, she's trying Can

Unknown Speaker 2:06
I tell you I love the humanity in this space. And I love the grace in this space. I love that when we show up, we show up as ourselves. And that means imperfect. And that means doing the best that we can and that we can give each other grace that no one's like, oh, man, like, okay, so if there's a misfire, there's a misfire, where we are all imperfect, people who are just doing the best I can the best we can. There you go. Yeah, personal life.

Unknown Speaker 2:32
But I'm right there with you. But I haven't always been like that. And I'm yet still learning that not to take everything so serious. I'm not saying, you know, some things are not important. But it is a daily practice for me to not sweat the small stuff, because I live will come in from a space of PTSD, you know, and being triggered, something's out there could be so small or minute, and my space have been magnified. And this is the end of the world. And all this didn't happen. I wanted this to be this way, or even showing up as like a string perfectionist. For the first time in my life, I'm kind of just like, it is what it is. And I really hope to be like that for the rest of my life. Because I found that, you know, when we talked about some of the things that we're doing, I'm less anxious, if you will. Not that sometimes experienced forms of anxiety and things of that nature, but I'm just not constantly on the edge. I'm not constantly, you know, feeling like, you know, the world is gonna fall apart because this didn't happen. And I kind of piggyback ride on what you said, Wes, in regards to setting boundaries. I'm so glad that you're doing it at this stage, where it's not anybody's age out there. But you know, I'm a little little more seasoned age and you embarrassing, older but a little more seasoned. If I had learned those things, gosh, some of the experience I may not have had to you know, to navigate at this stage, but I love the idea of the work life balance. And then you said hard stops and you know, yeah, trying at this time, I ended this time

Unknown Speaker 4:04
trying to create hard stops, which is more. The problem I have with setting the hard stops is like less to do with the boundary and more to deal with my trouble with time management, and like time blindness. So I think yeah, I can get out exactly this time. And then I'm like, I'm close. But I've never quite override up getting out of here like five or 10 minutes 15 minutes later than I meant to say my hard stop was because like, I don't like to leave a bunch of little loose ends. It's a little bit maybe a little OCD of me but like, I don't like to have a bunch of little loose ends unless it's like, oh, yeah, no, this category of stuff can get left left over until the next day, but I'm I'm not done with these small things and it's like having these leftovers I just don't want to leave my space without being done with so yeah,

Unknown Speaker 4:52
I used to be like that too. I mean, some things you know, you want to make sure it's right but if it has to wait till tomorrow it just Test digitally. So tomorrow. Yeah. And that's something I'm working on implementing as part of my, just not best practices, but life work.

Unknown Speaker 5:09
Yeah. You know, what I think has been a driving factor of like, needing to change that, for myself is a lot of like, my personhood, and like my intentions. And like, my quality of being a person was oftentimes, like, felt like it was judged on or hinged on my, my performance. Like, my value came, my value came from the results I got, or the grades I had on paper, or what have you, I had to look I had to, I had to look and act and be a certain way because that was supposed to be proper and normal and correct. And like, more of the sign of I hate to say it this way, but like, I did a good job as a parent, look at my kid, versus like, how I actually am like, within myself, when it comes down to how am I doing? How am I feeling? And I'm like, that could die. Like I'm constantly like, living in survival mode. I'm on edge all the time. Like, I'm struggling to sleep I wake up in a jolt, like,

Unknown Speaker 6:11
you know, it's so yes. So you're talking about something so you know, as we were talking about trauma the last time yeah, we talk about the fight flight freeze. We don't often talk about the font.

Unknown Speaker 6:20
I do that all the time. I didn't have the language for that forever. But that was one of the ones I I went to the most like that fight was the one I couldn't I wasn't I couldn't use the other three though I used all the time. So

Unknown Speaker 6:33
for people who don't know what that what the fight flight freeze fawn, so, you know, our body responds to stress and trauma in certain specific ways. So what happens is that when we encounter a stressful or traumatic situation, our amygdala lights up and, and I call it your body's alarm system. And your brain is like I have to do something in this moment to alleviate this trauma and stress. And so the fight is what it sounds like is you know, fighting and fighting off your aggressor. It can also for me look like just being argumentative. Oh,

Unknown Speaker 7:05
no, the man or the man in question. Yeah. Back. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 7:09
And then there's the flight, which is, you know, to try and run away and get away from the situation. However, that can also look like emotionally fleeing relationally, fleeing, just brain checking out of the situation. And then there's freeze freezes where you're just collapsed. Like you don't have a responsive, non responsive for some people that can look like numbness. And then there was fun. So fun. Is that really interesting one I've heard fun, referred to as something else. I've heard people pleasing a lot. Yeah. And people pleasing is a form of finding. So the idea behind finding is I have to set I have to behave in certain in a certain way to keep myself safe in this situation, right. And kids don't have a lot of options when it comes to how to protect themselves. You're when you're really young, you can't fight you know, you that isn't and fleeing for kids can look like I'm gonna get lost in my books, I'm gonna get lost in my work, we flee. Yeah, we flee in a lot of different ways. So those other three tend to be more off more consistent. And something about finding is like, finding comes with that extra layer of them feeling ashamed. Yeah. Or bad about yourself, because you acted in a way that you didn't want to act in that situation you wish you'd had stepped up and said more. So it comes to that, that added self judgment and shame that goes with it. But but all of these behaviors were meant to be protective, right? All of these behaviors, were meant to keep you safe. I don't call I call them maladaptive coping skills.

Unknown Speaker 8:42
Yeah, that's exactly what they are. That's exactly what I refer to him as to which

Unknown Speaker 8:46
in the moment may have served his purpose, but it's not effective for all areas of your life. No, so maybe fighting is how you survived your childhood but as an adult, who wants to navigate life and have people respect you and have your voice heard. fawning isn't necessarily as effective right, but it's the default position the

Unknown Speaker 9:05
brain Yeah, and that's and that's exactly where, like a lot of my like, what would be even nowadays, like working on the maladaptive behaviors is working on the boundaries working on like, being like, I'm a I'm an agreeable person, but like, not people pleasing and like, kind of like, almost it's almost a little bit mean, but like, kind of smile when I can say no to something and kind of like, Oh, I get to tell this person No, it's like it's almost in a sense sometimes I feel like my fight is fighting against my brain trying to convince me No, you're this like you're you're out and out like bad person or something is fundamentally wrong with you. If you're not like agreeable or you don't like are you have any sort of like, bad it's not bad, but like a negative emotion towards something. But no, sometimes I look forward to No, I told you I told that person. No, I'm letting you down and I can't I like it. I'm kind of into it sometimes. What is

Unknown Speaker 10:03
Brene? Brown says she says boundaries having good boundaries is loving yourself even when you risk disappointing others Yeah, I think is a quote. So and and I think boundaries are an act of love. Yeah, if I have good boundaries, it preserves my relationship with you. I am not resentful. I'm not angry, I'm not avoidant, I'm clear about what I need and how I need to be loved. And this is a clear message for you. So I've never considered boundaries to be a bad thing. And I also think no isn't a bad thing because it allows people to adjust their expectation and set their needs accordingly. That's true. That's true. There's this great I'm sorry. Great quote by Tony Jones. First of all, there's a song called Noah's bay by Tony Jones. That is the bomb. There's this great quote that she says a a soft, yes is a hard note to myself.

Unknown Speaker 10:49
Wow. What about you? Oh, yes, it's a hard no to myself. deny myself at the expense of saying yes to you. Yep. Wow. Well, full transparency we're talking about I mean, it's just, it has been a lot. You know, we were right in 2024. Firstly, and man, the months have gone by fast. But it's been a lot for me. Not only physically, but mentally, but especially most emotionally for various life reasons. But one of the things I pride myself on that I had been delaying for a very long time, was in a sense of putting myself first was getting back involved in therapy, you know, it wasn't that I didn't want to go, I just didn't make time for and a sense of always having an excuse where I have to work, I have this going on, I can't take off. You know, I have this family situation, all the everything became more important than me putting myself first and saying, you know, I need to make sure I'm okay emotionally and mentally, just as I am physically. You know, in a lot of times, I believe as humans, we tend to magnify the physical aspect, but your emotional, your mental is a part of that. And if you're not, if you're not, I'm not saying anything is terribly wrong. But everyone needs an outlet, everyone needs to know that it's important. And you want to be in a good place emotionally and mentally. And so I'm happy and I'm patting myself on the back for number one, being courageous enough to stick with it, but also courageous enough to put myself first. Now I can say that, and I kinda want to have a conversation about what happens when you're in a society and there you have, for me, I have not always set those healthy boundaries. So people are accustomed to a certain type of behavior, they're accustomed to they yes, they're accustomed to me, being extremely accommodating at the expense of my own well being what happens in that space, when you didn't then decide that, hey, wait a minute, hold on for a second, this is not working for me. And it's not healthy for me, and you decide to make those changes. I've noticed, you know, most recently, when I have started implementing that, not only just in the workplace, but when your family and with some friends and things like that. It's not always welcomed with open arms, you know, noise that always understood it. No, but how do you stay the course of of the process? And making sure that this is a decision that I'm not going in with a soft? Yes, at the expense of a hard? No?

Unknown Speaker 13:15
Well, you learn real quick, who loves you and who loves to take advantage of you? Yeah, I was thinking that yeah, that's, that's number one.

Unknown Speaker 13:22
As people with you, as long as you know, they can well glean from your if it's beneficial for them, but what happens when it's no longer beneficial for you, or if it's about me, you know,

Unknown Speaker 13:33
it's a good moment to take a real observation that your relationships and realize because oftentimes the people who disrespect your boundaries are proof that you needed their proof that you needed them to begin with. And the people who love you who may not even understand your boundaries, want you to be healthy and hope. And the truth of the matter is a lot of our relationships existed in that place of emotional need on both sides. And so as much as they needed to have us be accessible, we needed to feel needed. That's true. So stepping away from that need to feel like your only value is when you drain yourself completely Yeah, and recognizing that a healthy whole you is even more valuable and those that don't see your value does not diminish your value. Just because you don't know that I'm a diamond that doesn't make me see

Unknown Speaker 14:30
the truth I know that there are people who are listening who live who may say you know what, they may fear the the rejection of that change of that, of that that and then also for me, I kind of I can sympathize or empathize with us when you talk about telling your mind that you're not being mean. And you know that this is not that that doesn't make you a bad person.

Unknown Speaker 14:55
You know what I mean? Yeah, cuz like for me, I I know enough on To know that, like, if we're going to change our neural pathways, which we can, it takes, it takes time and like consistency and everything, I struggled to do that by default. So sometimes unfortunately, it comes down to No, I know, it's like me talking to my brain almost, it's like me, like, I know better, and it's gonna be uncomfortable. And it seems like somehow it's, I'm being antagonistic to myself, but I'm actually not, it's more so like, it, it seems one way, in the moment, but like, if I just go through it, by the time it's over, I will approve my point to myself, and like, it's just tough. It's tough like to, to do that. Because then the more I have to, like, take that time to retrain my, like natural reaction to certain things, is, it can be just difficult simply because of like, we're talking about being busy and time and this, that the other, it's like, I have to parent and reparent myself, and I'm 29, you know, going to be 30 in the summer. And I'm learning a lot of this stuff now. And how much like less personal time, I feel like I have a lot of the time compared to, if I had been able to, you know, learn these things or be presented, these things are being in these spaces, the healthier way from the jump. So it's like, it just it just kind of makes my own my own healing and my own mental health, like more of an active, almost an active hobby at this point to keep to keep moving forward.

Unknown Speaker 16:29
And you'll hear me say it all the time, you are going to be your longest relationship. Your your longest relationship. So self betrayal, is not necessarily a way to live. And truth be told, without boundaries, your relationships are compromised anyway. Yep. How many times has a phone ring? You looked at it? Like, oh my gosh, when you could have just had a conversation Ted, here's X, Y, and Z. Yeah. How many relationships? Do you ghost?

Unknown Speaker 16:53
Yeah, I was gonna say I literally like, partly like, your window friendship a few months ago, because, like, long story short, we're enjoying ourselves, I had a whole lot of trauma, like shattered my mental glass very suddenly. And I couldn't handle it in that moment. Because given the circumstance, I literally could not so after it like the next the next day, the next week, I got stuck in overthinking, knowing that their usual mental space, I can't possibly begin to try to unpack and explain the the complexity of of why I'm trying to like, say that our relationship or our boundaries need to change. And I'm struggling with that. Because not only do I feel like it's a lot for me, myself as one person, but also, like, I don't want to push my my friend into like an even unhealthier mental space that I know that they're already in. So am being so afraid to just take the plunge and be like, Wait, that's my friend, I can trust them. I just kind of like kept my distance until I convince myself I'm like, if I don't do that, if I don't kind of like pre plan or go about this correctly. It's going to be like catastrophic, when the when the catastrophic thing already happened, because now in now, like, I have her blocked, because yes, all I'm getting back now that I'm trying to communicate is a bunch of justifiably hurt feelings well, but nothing we can actually work with. So

Unknown Speaker 18:29
yeah, a lack of boundaries, erodes a relationship anyway. Yeah. A lack of honest conversation and integrity and relationships are all direct relationships anyway. Yep. Yeah, that rejection that you fear is, is probably equal to the resentment that you feel. Yeah. When you feel like you're being used or taken advantage of by someone. Yeah, it

Unknown Speaker 18:51
wasn't so much like a rejection, I would feel it was much more so. Like, the possible, like pain and hurt I could suddenly cause by bringing these things up in which I noticed my problem.

Unknown Speaker 19:04
Yeah. And notice that, you know, it's really hard to stand in your own integrity. Yeah, I can't, as you said, it's really hard. And it's it is a question of re parenting. It's repairing your foundation. Exactly. Because trauma puts cracks, but it's repairing your foundation properly. Yeah. Not with bubblegum and playdough. But, you know, taking the time to make sure that that foundation can stand. Yeah. And that's, that's important. The next relationships. So you know, people think of boundaries as just saying no, but it's also saying, This is what I need. This is what I want. Not just this is what I don't want, and this is what Yeah, yeah, you know, this is what works for me. This is what feels right for me. And sometimes people use boundaries. Like they weaponize them. Yeah, right. Right. Right. And it's not about weaponizing the boundaries No, no, you know, you have to have integrity with when you set a boundary and expect the consequences to fall where they may. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 19:56
and also me personally may take the responsibility and any fallout from the fact that like I didn't like things weren't set in a lot of ways before, the like, the trauma for myself came flooding in. And it was like, it was like, Oh man, like I know immediately kind of like the scope of not having the proper boundaries or not even realizing that the ones I am setting are not the ones I actually need. Yeah, the problem, the reason that we got into that situation in the first place was because I was certain that I was healed enough to handle some certain elements. Yep. And I was not. And that is not their fault at all. And I made that clear. But there's still that pain and that hurt. And that like that abandonment, that came from me not reaching out soon after things started happening. So yeah,

Unknown Speaker 20:45
it's very hard to set a boundary and take care of people's feelings. Yeah, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be mindful. But so let me give you an example. I'm sure if I'm someone that doesn't like to be touched, and you reach to hug me, right? And then I say, No. And then I see the look on your face is hurt, and then I hug you. And then I violated my own sense of integrity. You know? So that's why it's hard to take care of people's feelings and maintain healthy boundaries. Yeah, but but healthy boundaries, equal honest relationships. Yeah. And they equal clear relationships. So So in a lot of ways, they are protective, and not destructive. It's just that right? When like, to your point, when people aren't used to you having a boundary, it's kind of like, this whole time, I could come into your house and sit on your couch and drink your milk. And now you change the locks. Like, what you don't trust me? And you're like, No, but every time you came to my house, and you drank my milk, you made a mess, and you put your feet all over the furniture. And so, you know, I don't want you just kind of showing up in my house anymore. Right? Right. But yeah, when you take away those keys, it's you know, the first time you draw a boundary, it's going to make met with resistance. Yeah, haven't tried to ram the gate, which is why it's so important to set the boundaries that you think you can maintain. So that so that you're not always having to reinforce the gate.

Unknown Speaker 22:03
No, it's true. Yeah. And, and the fault that I ran into was not like, being sure of something that wasn't fully formed yet. And then having to realize, like, suddenly, like, oh, no, like this, really, this is not going to work. Well. The best thing I could have done in that moment was like, separate myself. And then like, calm down, which I did that stuff, but then jumping back in and actually handling that like, okay, handling our business after the foul. That was the problem. We're not

Unknown Speaker 22:33
gonna Monday morning quarterback are so right, right, right. The best thing we can do in this moment, is say that we didn't handle it as gracefully as we want it to. But it's a learning. Yeah, and it's a process. And if I could have done it, coulda, shoulda woulda. But at the end of the day having grace, this is this is new for you as well. Yeah. versus sitting back with this very clear perspective, from informed decision making that you didn't have in the moment. Yeah, which is true. You no grace, we're human. We're gonna stumble, we're gonna fall, we try our best to make the choices that we can. And we correct them when we're able. Yeah, so. So how are things going on? Oh, I forgot to say what so my thing for this year is, I really wanted to work out. But I kept telling myself this lie, that I had to go to a certain class at a certain time. And if I missed the class at a certain time, then I couldn't go work out. So now I just set a window of time to go work out and I show up at the gym. And if I make it for the class, I make it for the class. If I don't make it for the class, I still give myself like an hour to work out. I love it. And I choose my workouts according to what feels right in my soul. Like, you know, it's a lie that I'm gonna run. I know, I knew this when I got there meets what I will walk, and I will dance. And the last time they went there, I was dancing. And this wonderful lady gave me a thumbs up and she had to be like, 70 something years old, and she was on the track. And I was like, wow, my name is Jackie, shout out to Jackie, like, You are my inspiration. You know, and she told me about her and her husband and how they walk every day at this track for like, I don't know, 20 Something laps. And then and then I saw a gentleman who was in the Navy, I believe who was walking who had Agent Orange and he had a walker while on the walking. No, yes, he did. Yes, he did. And when I saw them, it occurred to me that, you know, we can always find a reason not to. Yeah, and but but we should always be in the business of taking care of our bodies. And that business never stopped. I

Unknown Speaker 24:30
have a similar kind of to piggyback on what you're saying. I've kind of started to do a similar thing that with working out. But I've learned that one of the ways that I most naturally invest like process my thoughts or trauma or anything going on is to verbalize but I also like I'm not trying to sound like the you know the crazy person who's just talking themselves out in the street corner and everything. So what I'll do is I've always been like living in Boulder City I can just like walk in this small walkable town. out, it's wonderful anytime day or night doesn't matter. So I had through high school when I was feeling overwhelmed when I was going through things, be it at home or school or personal life or whatever, I would just be like, I just need to get this like, energy out and like these thoughts out and whatever. And I would just walk around and I would like, talk, talk to myself about what's going on and all these other things. In recent years, I wanted to start like, you know that that talk therapy really helps out or that that verbalizing really helps out. So let me let me just set aside time like Scott, like, almost overscheduled time for me to go on a walk, and like to record what I'm doing, or record what I'm talking about, not even worry about, am I gonna listen back to it or use it or save it or whatever, but just to do it. And I would do the same thing, oh, I missed the window of time, I can't bother you or whatever. And then I realized exactly what you're saying, you know, you just you just got to get to doing it. And you don't have to, you don't have to set you don't have to be as rigid as you're used to being, like, just like a level of rigidity is what made it this difficult to do all this stuff and like get through tasks. So like maybe it can be softer. So softer. Yeah, so I just saw I just had been like, Okay, whenever, you know, whenever I feel like it, if I feel like I go on a walk and go on a walk. If I feel like while I'm on that walk, I'm gonna record it, then I'll do that. If I wanted to do this, that the other. I like I let myself I let myself dictate exactly what my activities were going to look like more so in the moment, then trying to say it's going to be this day, this time, this certain topic or anything, I just kind of let it come out naturally. And I certainly haven't recorded as many things as I thought I would. But the ones I have, like I certainly knew that I was I was leaning into what I needed for the moment. So worked out.

Unknown Speaker 26:50
So progress, not perfection. I want to do a quick plug before we run out of time and but I also want to go back to the conversation. So lovely humans that are listening, I want you to know about the mental health Townhall. We're having the President's mental health Town Hall The theme is Rebel resilience and recovery. And it is on the 27th of February at 3:30pm. So it'll be in the student union and ballroom a I hope you come out it is going to be a wonderful conversation, a wonderful opportunity to learn skills, a wonderful opportunity to just get together and process life and see where we are and my so I really hope that you're able to join us again, that's the President's mental health townhall on rebel resilience and recovery, the 27th of February at 330 at Student Union ballroom a looking forward to see you there. And before we close, and I'll give the final word to you, Alicia. I love the idea of being soft and gentle with ourselves. That was the thing that stuck with me, you know, I don't have to be so hard with me. I can be soft, I can be gentle with me. So would you like to add anything? Before we close on out today?

Unknown Speaker 28:01
I love that, again, another best practice that I am learning to implement in my life and the other party is just really being present. And I look as I look over last year, you're coming out. I mean, it's 2023 Overall, but I can't a lot of things I can't even give an account for, you know, I think the year went by so fast because I was just in the hustle bustle of everything. If it was if I was in that day, I was already forecasting what's ahead for the week, what I need to do in the month, what do I need to do next year, which now we're in 2024. And now I'm learning with life. Life has a way of moving upon us. And sometimes we don't see it well, for me sometimes it always process as it's moving for my good. But now as I'm looking at, you know, in processing some of the most recent situations, my life has been slowed down not with one Initially we'll, you know, I if I could have had my way I probably would have kept going at the rate that I was going. But needless to say, just being present, being gentle with myself, but also living in the moment. Tomorrow is so not promised to us if December 6 didn't teach us anything here at UNLV with the mass shooting, unfortunately, you know, but life is just a moment and tomorrow's not promised. I'm learning to smell the roses and smell them now and not forsake you know the present time that I have. And really taking it all in. So I really appreciate this segment and Wes you shared as well as

Unknown Speaker 29:32
there's nothing I can add to that Mic drop. Okay, thank you. That's

Dr. Renee Watson 29:39
excellent. For more or less talk UNLV Be sure to follow us on social media where you can get the latest updates on the show plus great behind the scenes content. We're on Facebook and let's talk about all the podcast Twitter and let's talk UNLV and Instagram and let's talk UNLV

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