Let's Talk UNLV

Unknown Speaker 0:04
Welcome to Let's Talk UNLV Student Wellness takeover at 91.5k u and v, where your co host Karen Jean Charles and Dr. Tanya craft day, okay. And today we have Stephanie Hank, and Michaela Cooper, with us to talk about.

Unknown Speaker 0:22
We talk about relationship, okay

Unknown Speaker 0:23
by relationships. So a little bit about relationships real quick. Humans are social creatures. It's extremely difficult to go through life without having some sort of relationship with another human. kind of impossible if you do that I'm kind of afraid of you. Sometimes relationships can be difficult. We can argue with each other have different expectations for each other and generally not see eye to eye. The world also doesn't make it any easier. societal pressures and worldwide events like COVID-19 can put a damper on relationships that would have otherwise thrived. Relationships can be difficult to navigate, especially when you're young and figuring yourself out. Today's Stephanie Hank and Mikayla Hooper, are here with us to discuss relationship management. So before we get into any of the questions, can you each, like introduce yourselves and tell us a little bit about yourselves?

Unknown Speaker 1:17
Yeah, absolutely. My name is Makayla Hooper. I'm currently the education and outreach coordinator here at UNLV. Just to give a little insight into who we are, because a lot of people don't know we exist and that we're here for students. So the care center provides advocacy services to those impacted by power based violence. And our services are available for UNLV NSC and CSN students, faculty and staff. And our office aims to end various forms of violence by engaging with the community through education and programming.

Unknown Speaker 1:51
Cool, yes. Care Centers are wonderful resource, information and support, should you find yourself in a relationship that is a little bit more on the unhealthy side.

Unknown Speaker 2:04
And we'll talk about that, too. What that means.

Unknown Speaker 2:07
How are you and I am Stephanie, Hank, I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist over at CAPS. I'm so happy to be a staff counselor here. I'm also our group coordinator. We have a lot of great groups that caps that I have the pleasure of coordinating, getting new ideas for things like that. Well,

Unknown Speaker 2:27
boot boot boot. As our relationship person when I have relationship questions whether she wants me to or not, I'm here for you typically come and ask her because she has a lot of knowledge around relationships. Well, thank you. Okay. Okay, so let's kick this off. COVID, right. COVID, like, nothing like the pandemic to impact those relationship goals. You know, a lot of people had summer body goals, but some people had relationship goals, and the pandemic did not necessarily align with those goals. So can we talk about the ways in which the pandemic has impacted relationships as a general concept that I know there's two different lenses? Yeah, I know that there's the healthy relationship plans. And then there's the generalized relationship lens. So either one of you feel free to go first. And let us know who you are, so that we know who we're talking to.

Unknown Speaker 3:24
Okay, this is Stephanie, I think maybe from a more generalized lens. With COVID, we were kind of looking at not having the same access to meeting people needing to find other ways to connect with people that we've already established relationships with, may be kind of reeling back on, really relying on that support, because we were worried people were going through other really stressful situations as well. And so they kind of can't handle my problems or support me in this moment. So it really kept us maybe from connecting in ways that we could have if we were showing up in person and kind of existing in the way that we're used to right. And so people were finding ways to connect through social media, FaceTime, zoom, things like that. And relating to students specifically really kind of having to grieve this quote, unquote, like normal college experience where you can interact with other people, make friends, build relationships, spine, romantic prospects, things like that. And so students I worked with letting them know it's okay to be sad that you had this idea of what that was going to be like. And now it's super different when you're learning from behind a computer, and you don't have that same campus experience. Absolutely. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 4:35
Yeah, I agree. You know, one of the things that was noticeable is that people are having a little bit more difficulty learning how to make those connections. For a lot of people. This is their freshman year. You know, this is the first time they've actually seen other people, I had an opportunity to talk to other people. So even if your social skills a little bit awkward or rusty, you know, part of that could be the fact that you haven't had the opportunity to engage and it's really difficult to read face Took us behind the mask?

Unknown Speaker 5:02
Definitely. Oh, can

Unknown Speaker 5:03
we talk about that the other side of it?

Unknown Speaker 5:06
Yeah. So in terms of the population we work with at the care center with interpersonal violence, some of the aspects that we saw of COVID, impacting that specific population was actually housing safety. And so as you know, with COVID, as a safety measure to quarantine, of course, that was really important for our health. But in the background of that, in terms of those having to be in really close spaces constantly with their abuser, that became a really big health scare in that sense. And it also made it a lot more difficult for folks to get away from their abuser, in terms of, say, going to your job normally, or going to school are having those different accesses of not having to be at home. That was sort of eliminated with COVID. During those times, so and it's obviously still existing right now, we're still in a pandemic. So for

Unknown Speaker 6:10
sure, I don't really and I did read that the domestic violence rates had gone up during COVID, as well as child abuse rates had also gone up during COVID. And a number of people, you know, especially our student population, who left certain home situations, oftentimes had to return to those home situations, because not only did the the education environment change, but the financial environment change. So a lot less options for safety and security for people who may have a full house for whom college might have been an avenue of safety and security.

Unknown Speaker 6:41
Absolutely. And I love that you brought up like understanding it's not just romantic relationships that could be abusive at home, that could obviously translate to family or friends or whoever you're living with. Specifically, so yeah, thanks for bringing that up. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 6:59
I wanted to ask, because we're talking about COVID. Do you think this gap of staying in the house constantly is what do you think that will change? Like, how a generation views relationships in general? What do you guys think about that? Great question,

Unknown Speaker 7:16
I think definitely, right. It's, it's learning how to connect with people in these other ways. Like we mentioned before, maybe relying more heavily on social media, or communicating over video or text, things like that, maybe kind of losing some of that sharpness of social skills. And also just feeling a lot of anxiety as we kind of like integrate back into this, you know, more personable in person kind of way of life. I know that I experienced that. Just feeling a little bit awkward in in person exchanges, and kind of having to take a step back and be like, okay, like, what are my what are my general social skills and what is for me, and so knowing that it's okay to take that time to adapt back to, you know, what feels a little bit more comfortable as well.

Unknown Speaker 8:01
It's so funny, because it was dual sided. So on the one hand, you know, getting used to being around other people, and then also recognizing people can't see my smiles doing the maths. Yeah, true. And also people can sometimes see my face. Mask, and now you sort of have to get control of your face again.

Unknown Speaker 8:21
Folks, I was like, I didn't, I didn't mean I swear.

Unknown Speaker 8:26
I didn't have a mask on

Unknown Speaker 8:29
that social piece. Yeah, I'm getting used to how to engage with others when you haven't done it for like two plus years. Right. Yeah. It's something else, you know?

Unknown Speaker 8:40
Yeah. It really makes me think about tone. Because even that's kind of what people have difficulty navigating in general. Like, I feel like I overtone emails, because I'm like, I really want you to know how I'm feeling and or that I'm being positive or whatever. And so I think that can definitely translate with talking more just on social media or other things like that. Yeah, you have to really exaggerate your tone, at least I feel like I have to

Unknown Speaker 9:09
slide an emoji in there. But you can do so when you're talking to people, right? So then it kind of comes back to like tone and body language and all those things, and a meme.

Unknown Speaker 9:24
Or sometimes, I mean, there's like, what, I don't get it, and then you're just nevermind. But like speaking of challenges in this regard, what are some challenges that students face when navigating these relationships?

Unknown Speaker 9:38
I think just kind of some challenges in general that people have faced, particularly through COVID is just meeting people. Because how do you do that? You know, we were talking about the college experience. How do you how do you meet people, if you're not around campus, kind of being able to compare similar interests, things like that. Again, we were talking about maybe that lack of cute negotiation skills are the lack of lack of sharpness with those communication skills. I think for some people, it's also like a fear of creating conflict. And so that can be a challenge in relationships. Some people, people being unsure how to set or express their boundaries, and not expressing their own needs within relationships, and also maybe having trouble with ideas about how to deepen or strengthen existing relationships. And so maybe some just kind of fall by the wayside or fizzle out. And, you know, they weren't really sure how to deepen those.

Unknown Speaker 10:34
Interesting. Yeah, I feel like Stephanie, you covered? I think that was it's funny, I, you know, I thank you so much for all that that was wonderful information, I was hoping that you could elaborate on some of the other pieces around navigating relationships safely, because that can be a challenge for folks who may not have had any types of relational issues before and you're stepping into this new environment, right, you're meeting a bunch of what a relatively strangers, and you haven't had an opportunity to practice any of these skill sets?

Unknown Speaker 11:15
Yeah, I think that Stephanie brought up as well around boundaries. Learning how to set your own boundaries, I think translates into healthy relationships, specifically. Because once you know your own boundaries, and you're able to understand them, and respect them for yourself, you can identify that in terms of what you're looking for in a relationship or that other person. And so yeah, I think that's one of the biggest things that I could think of. If you could ask the question, again, that would be great for me.

Unknown Speaker 11:53
I know, I was a mouthful. So boundaries, which by the way, y'all know is my favorite b word. Boundaries, boundaries for life. Boundaries tattoo. Know, I'm all about the boundaries. So we were talking about safety and relationships. And one of the things that you mentioned is boundary. So what are some? What are some of the challenges in terms of connecting with others safely? That you've noticed?

Unknown Speaker 12:23
Okay, I guess I could say, in terms of like, the population that we work with, I think safety, it does come back down to that sort of communication of being online versus in person, I think. I mean, we all know, we don't really know exactly who is online. And so it's unfortunate, similar to what Stephanie said previously about college students having that, quote, unquote, normal experience of meeting people in person. So I definitely think that could be a huge safety concern is knowing who you're actually talking to online. And maybe, I think, again, going back to boundaries, if you don't know your own boundaries, and you don't truly understand them. They may be dishonored or not respected by someone, and that could definitely be unsafe in terms of leading into unhealthy or even abusive relationships.

Unknown Speaker 13:26
Disregarding your own sense of safety, disregarding your own sense of self. Yeah, I think that's definitely one of those things where, you know, you see a red flag and you're like, Ooh, a butterfly.

Unknown Speaker 13:38
Just I can't read, I'm not gonna look at that. So

Unknown Speaker 13:43
I think it's important to pay attention to those feelings of discomfort that show up. Even if you don't quite understand why the feelings are showing up, you know, our emotions are signals that something's not quite right. So,

Unknown Speaker 13:54
thank you for that intuition. following your intuition, we're sure which can be difficult, because sometimes, you don't know. Like, what that gut feeling is, like you said, and you don't know how to follow it sometimes.

Unknown Speaker 14:08
Oh, you love that. You mentioned gut feelings? Yes, I think that can be really, really important.

Unknown Speaker 14:13
And in some situations, like you kind of unlearn your own gut feelings, because you're externalizing or internalizing all these other people's opinions and like, kind of have to find that again. But I did want to ask each of you, what are some tips to setting boundaries? Ooh.

Unknown Speaker 14:32
think the first step is to assess and ask yourself like what your own boundaries are, right? So before you can set them you have to know what they are right? And so really kind of sitting down with yourself whether it's with just like a piece of scrap paper or journal and kind of figuring out boundaries essentially are what is okay and what is not okay with me. And so being able to make a list and know those things for yourself and then practice vocalizing them, you know, even if it's by yourself in the mirror being wouldn't be confident vocalizing those words.

Unknown Speaker 15:02
I think a lot of people don't realize that boundaries encompass a whole host of things. There's boundaries around your time there's boundaries around your body, there's boundaries around your things as boundaries around your space. Yeah, so boundaries isn't just about you who can touch me and who can't touch me. Boundaries are who gets my energy? Yeah, who gets my time? Yeah, for sure know, who gets to use my things? Who gets this take up room in my space. So as you make that list, consider all of those things as part of your boundaries.

Unknown Speaker 15:30
I think it's also understanding it's a, it's a learning journey, like your, there's gonna be times going back to your intuition. Like maybe there was one time that you're like, I wish I would have said no, to going out to get drinks, or whatever it is. And you take that, and you have that for the next time. And like you said, to have build that courage and saying no, because our society doesn't want people to say no, they will.

Unknown Speaker 16:01
So I love what you said about how they can change though. Because you can add to the list, you can take away from the list, you can modify the wording of your list. And just kind of knowing that through your life, and whatever phase you're in, those things might look different.

Unknown Speaker 16:13
Yeah. Oh, and something else to consider. I know this is relationships, like, with people, however, your relationship with you? Yes, it's the longest relationship you will ever have thrown. So while we're talking about boundaries, and you know, it's important to approach boundaries with self compassion, yes, we're not always gonna get them, right. You we will have to adjust as we learn, and we grow and we figure out who we are and what our needs are. So today's boundaries may not be tomorrow's boundary. If you had a boundary and you weren't able to hold a boundary, you're not a bad person. It's an opportunity of this. Yes. Self Compassion, self love, grace, yes. Around this thing that is learning to be comfortable and understand who you are and what your needs are.

Unknown Speaker 16:59
Yeah. And ultimately, that's what boundaries are for there for you. Yes, in the long run. If you say yes to something and you're feeling really tired, you're gonna be feeling really tired the whole time. And it's, it's that fear of disappointing other people absolutely.

Unknown Speaker 17:18
A bit loud. To people in the back. Say it loud. I think Brene Brown has this really great quote about boundaries, which, as soon as I look it up and find it, I will tell you Yeah. But it has to do with us not about us accepting that if I set a boundary, it might look like disappointing someone. And that doesn't mean you shouldn't set the boundary.

Unknown Speaker 17:42
Correct. And setting with the uncomfortableness. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 17:47
What are some ways that we can kind of get over that fear of disappointing others, or if you have any personal experiences, you can share those as well.

Unknown Speaker 17:57
I think that it really is just being okay with maybe the possibility of disappointing somebody else or letting them down. But really, you have to do that to respect yourself. Because I think the more boundaries, you break, boundaries are kind of a commitment to yourself, right? And the more you break them to yourself, like, there's going to be resentment for yourself, there's going to be resentment towards those other people. And so in the spirit of keeping those relationships strong, I think the best thing that you can do is just be honest, and vocalize. And so it's just practicing the fact that, okay, I need to do this for me, and I know it's the 100% best thing, but that other person might be disappointed. They might be sad, I might be letting them down. But I have to be okay with that.

Unknown Speaker 18:42
I've always considered boundaries to be like love lessons. boundaries help you love me properly, period. Yeah, like, and if you have good boundaries, it's less resentment in your relationship. So rather than just not taking your phone call, you know, that I don't want to be called during a certain time. You know, rather than saying yes to a commitment, and then being bitter the whole night. I just say, I don't have the energy or the space for that tonight. And, and don't do the commitment. So thank you.

Unknown Speaker 19:14
Of course, I did want to, like ask you that same question.

Unknown Speaker 19:18
Yeah. All right. Probably. No, no,

Unknown Speaker 19:19
that's okay. I saw the fingers. And I was like, what's going on? Don't worry. I think that basically, to go a little bit more off of just what I was like thinking after hearing Stephanie and us talking about this specifically, I think it's also really like meeting yourself where you're at. A lot of people don't realize that having boundaries is also a privilege, because there are not it's not always a safe environment to have boundaries, or it's not always a safe relationship, to have boundaries. And so I think personally, for me, it really was a lot of that self forgiveness. have like, I wish I would have said this, I wish I would have not done that and not Dishonored myself. But honoring myself when I do do that or feeling really proud of myself when I do have set those boundaries. And I'm like, You know what, you didn't do it a few times. That's okay. But I'm really proud of like me talking to myself. I'm really proud of you that you did it at this time. You know, like, so in terms of, yeah, I think setting boundaries is meeting yourself where you're at. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 20:29
but I love that idea of celebrating the successes, too. Because it feels good. Yeah, it does.

Unknown Speaker 20:34
You made a great point about boundaries look different in different circumstances. Absolutely. When we need to remember that our boundaries aren't someone else's. Right? Because we don't have to live in that experience. Because boundaries can look different. You know, a boundary for someone else might just be I don't respond, versus I tell them something. Because safety has to be part of it. You know?

Unknown Speaker 21:01
Yeah, I think it's, it also comes to like empathy, like you said, understanding that, you know, my boundaries look different than someone else. And like you said, Maybe I'm not taking it super personally, if someone doesn't respond as faster. That could be a boundary of like, I need to put my phone down, and I need time to do it myself. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 21:23
That's really, that's kind of making me think about accepting boundaries as well. Right? Like, sometimes when people are like, telling us, and we think, you know, we're, we're good at this, you know, we we love boundaries. And then someone tells us, Hey, I'm not cool with that. And then try not to be disappointed. Try not to feel some type of way. I think that's really important conversation, too.

Unknown Speaker 21:45
Yeah, absolutely. That's such a good point.

Unknown Speaker 21:48
It's acknowledging that in yourself, dish

Unknown Speaker 21:50
it out, but can't take it. Yeah, so when you don't get that automatic response for someone isn't like I am in you right back, that might be a boundary that they've set for themselves, I have a number of people like Do Not Disturb on their phone. So I know that after a certain time, they're just not taking phone calls, and not being upset because someone's not immediately responding to your beck and call. Yes, you know, I think that's super important. You know, and if we can have boundaries, so can other people,

Unknown Speaker 22:20
right? If everyone had boundaries, it would be world peace. I'm over generalizing. But I did want to ask about what are some factors that affect social behavior? So it's like, gets other stuff?

Unknown Speaker 22:36
I think things like your upbringing have a really big effect on that as well. Like, what was your social environment? Growing up? Were you left to have independent time a lot? Were you brought into social situation or encouraged, socialized by your parents was your family really social? Things like the ways that you interact with technology, if you spend a lot of time with your nose, in your phone, Instagram, Facebook, Tiktok, things like that. It's gonna affect maybe how much you're socializing, how much you want to socialize, things like that. Self esteem can have a really big impact on social behaviors, just the social skills that we learn, right? Like, what did we learn from that time, those really crucial periods in our childhood and adolescence. And also, again, kind of bringing it back to you now that people are in person a little bit more, during, you know, this whole COVID experience. It's the fear of being out of practice, or the fear of engaging with people because maybe we're not doing it right. Or we're afraid of the outcome.

Unknown Speaker 23:42
Yeah, I love that you talked about that. A lot of it, I think, is like rooted in fear, and just also understanding the current, like states that we live in. And yeah, in our environment, it makes a huge impact on communication, social skills. I really liked that you brought up like fear because I think that leads talking to more about like anxiety. I noticed for myself, like coming out of will in the middle of this pandemic, my social battery, I feel like I have, I feel like I have to do certain things, or I'm wondering how I'm looking or fidgeting or things like that. Or I feel like I don't know how to keep a conversation up. As long as I feel you Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 24:31
like you have to mention social battery. Because mine looks so different now than it did pre COVID.

Unknown Speaker 24:38
Yeah. I was like always talking talks about talks. Now I'm just like, Listen, I need to recharge. Myself.

Unknown Speaker 24:48
Like between zoom. I'm on television where the Real Housewives like I am forever in front of a screen on somebody's face. Like, it's, you know, it's you were always on me You know, we're always on and depending on your role you're always on. Yeah. So it is possible for your social battery to get depleted. It's also possible that Stephanie pointed out, it could be part of your general personality style. You know, not everyone's an extrovert, though we're living in a world where we want everybody to be an extrovert. You know, some people really struggle with with social anxiety. And that's a real life thing. You know, some people struggle with general anxiety that just happens to also involve their social life as a general concept. So then, for a lot of people, we were out of practice. Yeah. So that social battery part is so real. I wish they had meters. So when you walk up to somebody look in there for you like, Oh, now? Yeah, I see your blinking, I see your blinking, I'll come back for you.

Unknown Speaker 25:54
Recharge,

Unknown Speaker 25:55
I like to eat too not to eat that you think you can drive five more miles on the highway, like the blink don't push those boundaries?

Unknown Speaker 26:06
Exactly. Oh, my goodness. So what are some tips for individuals struggling with making connections with others?

Unknown Speaker 26:13
Oh, I love this question. I think one of one of my biggest points of feedback would be to have an open mind about what you're saying yes to, and also the kinds of ways that you might meet people. So using your resources, I know, we talked about a safety aspect to some of the ways to make connections online. And so obviously, like practicing safety in that, but apps websites where you can meet people based on common interests. And that doesn't go just for romantic relationships that spreads. Also, maybe relying a little bit on support from an outgoing friend, maybe kind of tagging along, seeing how they're interacting with people, maybe they're able to introduce you to others, things like that. And also, just getting out saying yes to activities, I think when you are invited, paying attention to your boundaries, but also, you know, okay, if I am energized, and I have no reason to say no, to go into this gathering, or this dinner, or whatever it is. So yes, you never know what's gonna come out of that.

Unknown Speaker 27:11
Failure of Yes. Yes. So, gonna toss this last question to you. What's one thing a student can do this week to improve their relationship skills?

Unknown Speaker 27:24
Yeah, I think that I think just going back to like boundaries. For me, I think, just knowing your own boundaries and, and I think actually going a little bit more off of what Stephanie said, in terms of like challenging yourself a little bit. And we don't want to disrespect our boundaries, but maybe looking a little bit more at challenging yourself in talking to someone random at a coffee shop or you know, maybe sending that text that you were worried about saying

Unknown Speaker 27:59
okay, I like it. I like it. boundaries with flair.

Unknown Speaker 28:07
And a little bit of spice. A little bit.

Unknown Speaker 28:12
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, once again for joining us that 91.5k u n v. I want to give the guests a special round of applause. Thank you for coming through relationship information with us. If you're part of the UNLV community and you need to talk to someone attend the mental health workshop or start your therapy journal journey. Journals are good to call caps at 702-895-3627 or email us at caps@unlv.edu. You can also visit the caps website for more information at UNLV. That edu caps. This was less talk UNLV Student Wellness take over what what what 91.5k und I'm Karen Jean Charles and I'm Dr. Tanya Crabb

Unknown Speaker 28:57
and we'll see you next time.

Unknown Speaker 29:01
For more let's talk to you and LV Be sure to follow us on social media where you can get the latest updates on the show plus great behind the scenes content. We're on Facebook and let's talk you know the podcast Twitter let's talk you know v and Instagram and let's talk you know the

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